An Eventful Month

It's late at night and I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open, but I thought I would post on last time before September for my BLOGUST challenge. Overall, I think I did a decent job in being active on my blog this month. There weren't a ton of posts, but I managed more than one, which is an achievement in my mind. 

Perhaps my posts were not as Pagan-centric as I would have liked, so that is going to be something that I am keeping in consideration for my posts in September. My spiritual leanings tend to flourish in the cold, windy nights of fall. Heat and sun was never my forte, to say the very least. 

Life-wise, it seems I've partially managed to improve myself. After a few job interviews I have proven myself worthy of a position, so I am following that to fruition. There are still more interviews to come, but in the meantime I've accepted something new that I hope I will like if the other prospects do not pan out. Decisions of this nature are never easy, and this time I want to be sure I'm making the best choices for myself. 

I cannot wait to see what autumn has in store for me. The leaves are a' changing, and so am I. 

Fortitude

For the last few weeks now my day-to-day life has just seemed to blend together. I would wake up early after a very late to a mish-mash of crazy routines until finally the day came to an end, only to start all over again the next day. This has continuously been the last few months of my life. Blah.

Agonizing through the days, I looked to my friend, the Tarot, for guidance. I was hoping for something, anything, to be a glimmer of insight into what was to come. Being tired, I did a single card draw of course. So tired. Perhaps my mental state and energy played into this, but the card I drew was the 9 of Wands. Not the most likely card, but right away I saw myself in that situation. As if I was looking at myself, I saw the tense, restless feeling of trying so hard to hang on to what is left and preserve strength. Fortitude is the word that best describes this time in my life and what I am trying to do with my current job, so I saw this as related to my work, not necessarily my personal life. Work has been very arduous in the last few months. To be honest, I'm only supposed to be a part-timer and I've been working to manager an entire store since the end of May, and juggling online courses as well. Sleep hasn't exactly been plentiful or restful, to say the least.

So here I am- literally trying to keep things afloat and continue to create abundance in my work for the last several months with minimal help from outside sources and no support from the higher-ups. Difficult and dejected, I've been riddled with self-doubt over moving forward and being promoted. Turns out I won't be getting that promotion, and while I'm sad about it, it's also a relief. I can finally let go of what I've been putting up with for so long and look to broaden my horizons, I just need to hear the okay to take what has been given to me and put it down to rest.

The hard work has paid off, but the price was steep at times. Soon I can leave it behind and use what I've gathered to build on for a better future. I just have to hold my ground until then, and fight with what I have left to sustain me on my journey.

Procrastination

This is not so much a blog post as it is a public service announcement. I have a problem when it comes to doing work that I absolutely hate doing, namely the inability to do it. Right now, as I type this post, I probably should be typing out a paper that is due soon. Like almost now. I just don't want to. There is an intense compulsion to find anything else to do so I can put off doing this work until the very last minute.

So why am I being so nonchalant about this? Well, probably because I'm stuck in this vicious cycle. Each time, every time really, I psych myself into doing my work, get it done for the most part early on, and finally fizzle out before I can finish everything I need to complete. For some reason this never happens to me at work, only when it comes to school. Not being able to bring myself to write papers that I frankly couldn't care less about really drives me nuts and makes me depressed about this need for procrastinating. It hurts.

How do you suggest I break this cycle? Ultimately I can't find the right motivation to stop procrastinating when it counts. If you have any suggestions, my ears are listening.

Okay, time to do the work I can't stand. Finally. In an hour. After I watch one last video on YouTube. Cool.

Reminiscing of Angels

Timing is an interesting thing for me. I've always been a bit obsessed with time, sometimes to the point where I can't stop looking at the clock. I like watching the hands move further and further through the numbers of the minutes, hours, and seconds until I realize the moment I was waiting for already came and went. It's mesmerizing to me. 

While thinking about time, I had the date on my mind as well. Yesterday was the three year mark of my grandmother's passing. Usually I never like to think of how horrible that time was for me and my family, but now, so long after the fact, remembering the events surrounding that day don't leave me as hollow as once before. I know that she is gone, but nonetheless her memory and the impression of here is still here in my mind and my heart. Perhaps she is even looking out for me in some cosmic way. I had a good cry yesterday morning about her, looking at a picture I took of her only a month or so before she passed. I love that I was able to take that photo of her when she was so happy and still vibrant, but even now I have a hard time looking at it without sadness. To my surprise, a few hours later I received a call about a job I had applied for a few weeks ago, asking me to come in for an interview. Totally unexpected. 

Maybe she heard me and thought to give me a joyous moment? Never will I know, but I will certainly make sure to keep looking out for signs of her influence or presence. 

Love you, grandma xoxox

Full Corn Moon - August

Crickets out my window, the quiet of night radiant with the light of the moon- what a great sight to meet my weary eyes on such an evening. I've had a long day with the same trials and tribulations I've faced for the last few weeks. Where am I going, and what exactly to I need to give myself to get there? I can't even begin to answer these questions, but at least I can sit quietly, peacefully even, and look at the moon with awe and gratitude. The summer has been eventful in many good ways, even with the not so good looking a lot more positive in this blue moonlight. But what of it? Well, the things that I came to believe I understood changed into the things I now realize I didn't actually understand. I see that now. That lack of understanding on my part was not intentional, it was merely a formality of not having more life experience than I ought to at my age. Of course, life is never cut and dried like that. No, life has taught me more lessons in the last year about myself in a way I never saw before. The shy, introverted girl I was is no more a wallflower of sorts. I can hold my own like the rest of them now, but I still hold back at times. Why so? To be honest it's because I'm not quite 100% comfortable with it yet. Soon, hopefully. Time is healing a part of my character and inner-strength that I thought was permanently damaged not even a year ago. I'm not damaged, not by a long shot. The ability for me to be a strong-willed person was potentially there the whole time, if only I had been aware of how to look inside myself and bring it out into the open sooner. Sadly, life hands you lots of lemons before it lets you make the lemonade.

Like the corn in the fields, bathing in the moon tonight, I'm still growing and maturing into what I want to be. Although I'm not sure what I want to be, I know, deep down, that it's close to being realized. Good thoughts on a good night, for sure.

Prioritizing My Self

Every year the times seems to slip away a little faster on me, and I get more tired and prone to procrastinating. You might even say I'm a Grand Master of procrastination I do it so well. Too well, in fact. Recently I've felt the need to wean myself off of late nights and zombie mornings' after, so a remedy was called for- time management skills to the rescue (or not)!

Good old time management, the bane of procrastinators everywhere. Here's my chance to really get in gear and make sure I follow through instead of wallowing in preventing myself from getting anything done. Okay, step one, setting goals. Check. Making sure I keep things written down and on lists. Check. Get a planner! CHECK! And now you can get everything done and never procrastinate again! Check? No. There is never a simple solution to an old problem. At least I've made a commitment to working on it.

I want to make myself be more proactive when it comes to making sure I'm getting the most out of my time. Is it feasible, yes it is, in theory. The hardest part is the practical, like the first time you turn on the engine of a car and take your foot off the brake. You've seen it done thousands of times, yet when you do it for the first time it's as if the car is going to speed out of control and drag you away with it. Fun stuff, I'm sure.

So how am I going to fix this, you ask? I'm working on it. My ultimate goal is to ensure that I have enough time in my day to do three things of importance. (As a side note, work is not in these three things because it's not optional). Right. Number one on my list is having time set aside included for meditation. I used to meditate all the time! Not so much anymore. I tried doing a chakra balancing video a week ago for Lammas and fell asleep in my chair, sitting up. I was quite the sad sight at that moment. Since I stopped meditating I haven't been as carefree or as calm as I used to be most of the time. That is another blog post in itself, so I'll reserve talking about that later in my BLOGUST series.

Secondly, I would like to make time for reading. I read a lot, every day really. However I do not read anything I actually would enjoy reading. There is a pile of books I hauled off of back in February that I haven't even touched as I have no time to even skim through them. This saddens me greatly, ergo reading books in on my list of things I absolutely need to make time for. What good is having a load of witchy books if I can't even read the damn things? Sheesh.

Lastly, I want to make time to nurture my soul back to health. Since I came back home and got a job, started planning my career path, went back to school, I've lost some of the witch in me. It's there of course, buried underneath it all, sparkling through every so often when little things cross my path or I see a glimmer of the Craft in something. Like a little bird perched near my window looking in on me, or a look at the moon to see what phase its currently in and secretly wishing I could celebrate a little. Sigh. I'm going to make sure that I incorporate making time for my inner self a priority at the moment, which I'm glad to say is happening at this moment as I take some quiet time to write in my blog for the day. Tomorrow will be something new, something fun maybe, and I can keep on writing with myself in mind.

BLOGUST!

This new month has just begun, so I've taken up the challenge of making myself blog on a daily basis for the rest of the entire month. I'm not sure if all the posts will be Witchcraft, Paganism, or Wicca related, they might be about something that I've had on my mind for some time that I felt like writing about, Tarot readings and reflections, or it may be a review of a certain item I like or love (probably one of the numerous teas I collect), or even just a small quote or thought that popped into my head. The posts are not going to be specific length- just whatever I fancy at the time. My goal is to be consistent so that I can get into keeping my thoughts down for posterity again. I missed doing that. 

Keep checking in to make sure I'm posting like I should be!

And if you would like more of me, you can check out my Twitter as well. 

Lessons In Letting Go

This is something I should have posted last fall in October that I never did. I didn't post it because I honestly think I wasn't ready to. My life has changed in so many ways in the last few years, and I feel like it took me this long to get myself in a place of relative peace because I needed time and space to heal my emotional wounds. A year on and I'm now a stronger person with much less baggage than I used to have. So here it is, plain and simple. This is what I felt like returning home after a long journey, like a depleted and crestfallen Odysseus coming back to my own Ithaca. 

I want to preface this post by saying that life is strange, but sometimes you see it coming.

I saw it coming. Now it's here, and that's okay. I get it now. This is another lesson I have to learn.

As of this moment in time I've just returned home after 2 years of being away, and it's like I was never here at all. Yes, of course there are those few memories that I recall from long ago that bring a small smile to my face, but really those occasions where few and far between even in the good times. Being in a home where one never actually feels at home makes coming back awkward and, in many ways, sad. Seeing things you remember not with fondness but with a heartache and a tear attached to them is not comforting. That is why I am choosing now to let go. This my new mantra/coping mechanism/lifestyle/what have you. I am removing all that does not serve me in my life, or things with negative attachments (or both), and sending them out into the world. Some things are material and I hope they will be enjoyed by others, and some are not. Some things are emotional attachments, long-lived, that I really need to be rid of once and for all. I'm sure those of you that read my blog understand what I mean; we all go through hardships at some point in time. 

Since I've been home, which is about 2 weeks, I've gone through many of my material possessions and have begun preparing for the garage sales, and getting eBay set up, started donating to clothing drives and donation-based charities and the like. I feel good giving to others and making space for more freedom in my life; the act of giving and releasing myself from these objects should have been an activity I started many years ago. At least I have begun to do this now instead of waiting again for another opportunity to come along, because I do feel that right now it really has come down to the proverbial "now or never". *

*Reflecting on that time last year when I wrote this, I do not wish to alter it now. It does seem to have an unfinished quality to it, but that was me at that time- unfinished, in limbo if you will. I still have no regrets about my decision, and I'm found peace for the most part when it comes to that time in my life. Hope you've enjoyed the read. 

The First Harvest

It's been so long since I last came to write in my blog. My last post was nearly from one year ago now, and I was talking about change. I was, at the time, adamant about leaving my bad situation and beginning anew, which I happily announce to you all, my dear readers, that I have done just that. My life has changed dramatically since I become detached from my family. I now have a job, so now I've come to feel independent and confident again. I've also returned to school once again, working hard to finish off my bachelor's degree for good. I'm ready to enter the world of the working, capable adult, so any step in the right direction is going to take me closer to that goal regardless of how long it's taken me to make that step. So yes, I can certainly say that my life is better. It's not absolutely fabulous yet, but who can say that anything in life is perfect? Not anyone I know of. Which brings me to my main reason for returning to my blog. I know I've done this many times since the start of my blog, but the lean times seem behind me now, and I which to take stock and start fresh. Hence my reasoning for posting tonight.

Today was Lammas, the time of bringing the grain of the summer fields to our tables at the beginning of the harvest season. For those of us that live by the Old Ways, agricultural parallels to the seasons of life is our vehicle of harvest. The fall is once again going to be upon us for the year 2014, and it seems hard to believe even now that so much has come to pass so quickly. Reflecting upon my last year, I see how much I've changed, grown, as a person and as an individual. For someone like myself that has never had much of a presence or voice amongst my peers, I now feel like my aura has increased- that I have gained strength in who I am and where I need to be. I have become more leader than follower, in a position to nurture and help those looking to find their own place of confidence and positivity as well. This is me taking stock so far of my new journey, and the goddess helped in so many ways. As much as I was strong, this last year She gave me more strength to hold my ground. For all my shortcomings, She helped me find out what I was really capable of doing. 

This harvest is the beginning of what is to come, and I'm already preparing for what the autumn and winter may bring into my heart. 

Brightest blessings to you all this Lammas or Lughnasadh, and may we all be granted bountiful harvests of in our mind, bodies, and souls in the next Sabbats and months to come. 

Leaving Bad Behind

Everyone knows that at some point in time things end. Life is cyclical; beginnings lead to ends that lead to new beginnings, over and over again for infinitesimal time. You cannot stay static in this world, as everything is always changing and moving all the time in this physical plane of our existence. That being said, there are times when change must wait. So I waited. And waited. And waited. But I cannot wait anymore. The time for change is here, and I know what once was must come to an end. For the last two years I've endured the difficult times my entire family faced with sensibility, responsibility, and an almost brave face. I did the best I could to delay the inevitable collapse of the stability I was trying so hard to create in the face of utter chaos which I had been enveloped in for so long. But I cannot delay my change any longer; it's either risk a loss in my life or have no life at all. At this moment in time I've already made my decision to change as I am finally ready to do so, and I stick by it. For some I may have bided my time for too long, but I had to be sure I was making the right decision. Now I am 100% sure of myself, so I am leaving. I am actively embracing change and leaving a bad situation for a better one. I'd much rather brave a bright path of uncertainty with a good chance of success than go through a rushing river of stagnation and guaranteed discontent and wasted time. I just can't have that. For the last two years I have been stuck in a bad situation with my family that I needed to be involved it. At the beginning I chose to stay and help out, but as the situation evolved my choice was taken away from me. I no longer had the choice to stay for I didn't have the choice to leave. My family needed my help so I helped. I wanted to help, but then my help was take for granted and expected. It wasn't "could you", it was "do it" and I'm totally fed up. I did many things over the last two years, many times with no recognition, no satisfaction, no gratitude, and never any compensation for my time or effort. Not that I expected money, not at all, but being in my late 20's and having to rely on my father to support me for two years did nothing to make me feel confident or like an adult. I need freedom, I need to be able to choose, and the only way I can do that is to leave. I really needed freedom over the last two years, but family obligations put a damper on everything I wanted to do. I felt trapped, unable to breathe, stuck in a bad situation that made me feel empty and angry. I was a bottle under pressure from the inside out. It killed me everyday for the last two years, and now it's over. I've freed myself from a bonded life, and I'm leaving it behind with no regrets. 

Change is good again. 

Sunny Summer Solstice

Today we've reached the midpoint of the year- the height of the Oak King and frolicking fairies in green, lush fields and verdant forest groves. The sun is out shining bright in the afternoon sky, with the wind swaying much greenery and flowers in its breeze. To say I'm content right now is an understatement; life has been good to me as of late, and despite having moments of sadness I am thankful. 

I was recently able to see my boyfriend after a long time of being apart, and honestly it was a time of happiness long overdue for the both of us. We spent two weeks together traveling on the east coast, and it was magical. Despite my anxiety over certain things our relationship is more solid than ever. I suppose being in love does that to people. 

This summer solstice has not been particularly special- really just another sunny, warm day in June. But there is hope and love in the air I'm breathing. The feelings and emotions I've been turning over and over in my mind are brimming with new life and teeming with excitement. Half of the year has gone, and I'm very much looking forward for the rest that is to come.

Blessed Litha, everyone xoxox 

Thoughts on Observing Esbats

(Taken from my Book of Shadows)

It's been quite a while since I last wrote in my BOS, and I have missed the peace that comes with writing in this little black journal of mine from time to time.
Last night I had what I guess you could call an "interlude" between the more mundane parts of my day. I knew the moon was heading towards being full, in it's 'waxing' phase, so I felt drawn to sitting on the green couch in front of the windows and pulled up the blinds to look at the moon. It was just past midnight with the moon at the peak in the night sky. The moon was so bright, the streetlight in front of the house paled in comparison. I say staring at the moon for quite some time. It's funny how staring at the moon seems to solve all of my problems. Perhaps it's the reverent solitude, or the wisdom that comes from knowing you are looking at the same moon every single one of your ancestors and their ancestors, all the way to the dawn of time, also looked at all those centuries and millennia ago.
After that brief moment of silent awe, I realized that I've been back in my habit of focusing too much on the material as if late, and ignoring what I should never put aside. The spirit, my spirit, is a delicate thing, and I need to be actively engaged in this to truly find peace in myself.
I have made a pledge to observe all the next Esbats in May and the end of April to bring myself back into the swing of things, and so far I have planned for one tomorrow night, the full moon of April 24th.
I am convinced that celebrating the course of the moon during its 28 day cycle is very important to the witch's cause and well-being. The moon opens up the mind and gives us time to pause and reflect upon ourselves and our actions. The moon helps us understand the cycles within our own lives and our feminine wisdom that has been inherent to us as women (and men!) and passed down from our female ancestors.

So a toast to esbats and the moon herself, and to all of the witches and lovers of the moon. May we all be safe and free to frolic in her moonlight for many years to come.

Major Arcana: The High Priestess

How can one truly describe one of the few cards in the Tarot's major arcana whose symbolism and wisdom defies description?
The ever-loved and much pondered High Priestess card does not tread lightly in meaning nor suggestion. The most apt paraphrasing of the exact meaning of this card would be, "as within, so without." Despite that sounding like an extremely general statement, the phrase does fulfill all the necessary requirements to understand the subtle meaning contained in this card.

As most of us know from studying the ancient cultures of Western Civilization, priestesses were women that devoted their lives to the gods and goddesses of yore with vows to their sacred temples. Mostly young women, they were the ancient diviners and oracles of which cult followers and Homeric-type poets adored and made legendary. Those women gave their energies to their cause with grace, dignity, and of their own free will.

The way I see it, the High Priestess in the Tarot is just as enigmatic as the temple-women of ancient times before her. An opposite and compliment to the Magician, she beckons us within our readings to look inside ourselves and reflect upon the answers we already have, feed our inner spirit, and feel the energies of the world around us in our contemplative state. This is a card of passiveness as opposed to action; to dwell in the mental subconscious instead of acting in the physical.
It is hard to say more about this card as to me it is more about feeling than seeing. If seeing is believing, could not feeling be understood as knowing? That is the message the High Priestess conveys to me.

Ostara 2013

Amidst yet another long and heavy snowfall came the Spring Equinox to Montreal. I wasn't the least bit surprised.

Now that the most recent snow piles have begun to melt under the strong sunlight of the longer days, things feel a bit lighter than they were during the winter months. Energies are rising and harkening life back to earth, and people are starting to put away their sweaters in favour of t-shirts. Flip-flop season is coming, my friends, and I can't wait. As a hater of boots and shoes in general, I can't wait to get my feet out in the sunshine and oxygen of the outdoors again. Better yet, I can't wait to be out on a beach somewhere with the soft grains of sand between my toes....but soon summer too will be upon us here in the northern hemisphere.

I'm working in more topics for my YouTube channel, and on actually donating the clothes, objects, and goods that I have which no longer serve me. It's something I've been meaning to do for some time, but as always, things get in the way and make it easier for me to forget. A few boxes of donations would free up a lot of space both in my personal space and in my mind, because then I wouldn't have to worry about the clutter anymore. Spring is really a great time to simplify life and I intend to do just that for the next few months until preparations for the summer begin.
I'm off to fill a few more boxes now, wish me luck!

Happy Ostara everyone!

Patrick's Prayer

I've always liked certain catholic prayers, and this one is begins with one if my favorite verses. Despite being Christian in origin, this is a very powerful prayer that can be easily adapted to a more pagan flavour. I've done that myself on many occasions, but I wanted to put the original here in honor of Saint Patrick's day today.

Emerald blessings everyone, and I wish you all the luck in Ireland, be you Irish or not.

--------

The Prayer of St. Patrick

I arise today
Through the strength of heaven;
Light of the sun,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning,
Swiftness of the wind,
Depth of the sea,
Stability of the earth,
Firmness of the rock.

I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me;
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's hosts to save me
Afar and anear,
Alone or in a mulitude.

Christ shield me today
Against wounding
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in the eye that sees me,
Christ in the ear that hears me.

I arise today
Through the mighty strength
Of the Lord of creation.

Fierce Creatures

Lately I've been thinking about men. Not in the obvious way (okay, maybe that way too) but mostly about how the reality of the male mind can really contradict the traditional image our North American society bestows upon the male contingency. I knew this partly to be true, but sometimes it takes experience to really believe these things. Now I've always thought very highly of men in general. They have a lot to bear emotionally, just as women have, but they display their emotions so differently than women do. It's not wrong to me, just very different, and of course I respect that. I've always believed in equality, so I've always been respectfully intrigued by men's responses to certain things, emotional situations being the most intriguing of all.
Even in some (most?) branches of Paganism, the male is seen as an impervious pillar of strength, sexuality, and wise know-all of manhood. The hunter/father/king complexity of characteristics all put together so as to personify male-dom. But sometimes in life you get close to a man and see the more hidden side, and most men I've known seem to prefer it that way. At times they do 'sweat the small stuff' as it were, despite their amazing resilience.
It's difficult to see men you admire for their unstoppable imperviousness get things under their skin while you watch helplessly in the background. As a woman, I want to talk things out and improve things through my gift of extended speech, but guys mostly just want to retreat into the impenetrable fortress of their minds and go into lockdown mode. To me this is both alarming and confusing as hell, but what is a female to do in these situations? Not much really. I'm finding out that the less you say, the faster man-wounds heal. I wish I had learned this sooner in life, but alas, we can only learn once we make mistakes I suppose.
To all those men out there I say to you- don't lose patience with women that need words to figure things out. If anything, your silence is just making us freak out more. We can't help it. I'm a culprit of this myself, and thankfully I now know better. Life lesson learned. Perhaps I need to learn more about men than I considered?

Mad As A March Hare ( And Other Rabbits)

I feel like the current mercury retrograde has caused me to lapse into a bout of laziness since the beginning of March, but that's not exactly a solid excuse for not posting for so long despite wanting to. I should probably blame the crazy schedule I've been on, and an 11 day bout of bronchitis that drove me nuts, but I won't. In fact, I'm not blaming anyone but my self for being lazy right now. Yes, I'm blaming myself, people, it's not the first time. But today I broke the cycle, so I feel good about that.
This month of March has been full of up and downs- crazy things just seem to appear out if nowhere once the winter thaw sets in. People start getting stir-crazy and hungry for action. I'm not going to go into more detail, but I'm feeling quite cabin-feverish myself right now. Planting some herbs and working on tarot should help my rut, though I think self-love and acceptance is the order of the week. We'll see.

Astrology Failings (Full Moon in Virgo)

I'm really not 100% percent on the ball with my Astrology, which is why I've been gradually challenging myself to learn more on the subject, but I do know that right now we have entered the sign of Pisces, the cosmic fish as some call it, and have just moved past the full moon phase as of February 25th. Therefore, I reasonably thought that we had just finished a full moon in Pisces. Apparently that was wrong. Thankfully I did some online research before I posted this and made a fool of myself- pulling a Fox, I'm going to call it. Instead of pulling a Fox, I took some time out and looked up which sign the full moon was actually in. Show's how much I know. The moon was actually in Virgo. Yes, I did a metaphysical face-plant on that one. Ouch.

In light of all this, however, I am seeing a pattern where I can now actually take the time to redeem myself for lacking in Astrological knowledge. It seems like now is a good time to actually use the Farmer's Almanac I bought for 2013 to look for some interesting reading in learning more about Astrology. I had an 'Everything' series book on Astrology, but I was never able to connect to it very well. It was a very well-written book complete with mini-exercises, and I liked reading it, but I just never read it through well enough to understand all the lessons. Bad Stephanie, and entirely my fault. Sometimes I try but I just can't get into it enough to connect on a deeper level. One of my major flaws, sadly. Oh well.

My faults aside, how does my experience right now relate to having the past Full Moon in Virgo surrounded by Piscean energies? Well I did some more research and partially answered this question. My research led me to understand that, first of all, a full moon's sign does not necessarily correlate to the sun-centered astrological signs that occur on a monthly basis. Rather the moon's sign changes on a near-daily basis as per the fluctuations of the daily signs that occur on each day during the year. More clearly, the monthly signs are one part of the astrological cycle for the year with 12 signs for each approximate month. The daily signs also follow a similar cycle with a time period for each sign (about a day and half) with a smaller time period known to astrologers as 'void-of-course', which means there is no sign during that time. According to traditional astrological belief, planning to do activities during void-of-course periods is not advisable, even counter-productive or unlucky. Perhaps a good reason to invest in a moon calendar, for those of us that have a tendency to be superstitious at times.
Another topic of interest I discovered was that right now we are within a Mercury retrograde period- as if my skills and methods of communication were not lacking enough right now. I've read about Mercury retrograde issues before when I first began to read horoscopes more frequently. I knew I wouldn't be a fan of these time periods when I heard about them. Who would? I'm guessing this is why I haven't felt the urge to make a Tarot video in the last few weeks. Again, bad Stephanie. This may also be a contributing factor to why someone I know decided to move out of their apartment unexpectedly, completely forgetting to mention it to their landlord and forfeiting their damage deposit. I told them so. That Mercury retrograde gets you every time.
All that aside, the moon in Virgo during a Pisces month is pretty interesting. The signs themselves are contradictory; Virgo being a stable and practical earth sign, and Pisces an ever-changing and emotional water sign. In that respect, this full moon was a bit all over the place. And I did feel a bit out of sorts during the days of the full moon. I felt emotional, hormonal, a tired, and mostly stuck in a bad situation- like I had no way out of my muddled mess of a mind. It was a losing battle at bedtime as well. Vivid dreams with lots of men and weird situations on a houseboat. Thank goodness that one didn't last long.

Anyhow, I should try and learn more about Astrology. It is key knowledge in working well with witchcraft and understanding the cycles of time within nature and the universe. If Nostradamus could do it, so can I, I guess.

Grey Areas In Dating

Normally I wouldn't post about this kind of thing, as I'm more private when it comes to my love-life, but I've been so lost in thought lately on this subject I felt a good purge was in order today.
Perhaps others out there have been in this situation, but lately I feel as if I alone carry this sort of 'burden'. I guess you could call it that, maybe. Anyways, the crux of it is that I've been in a relationship with the same man for 8 years. I love him to death and we both know that we will end up together eventually. At this point in our lives we don't know exactly when, but we know it will be sometime in the future. That being said, despite knowing we will be together forever, we are not in a position to be engaged to one another. We are living in different countries at the moment, have very different family issues going on (this is more my side than his), and we are busy putting out lives together so that we can eventually move in with one another, somewhere in the world, at some point. So yes, there is a lot of physical disconnect despite the fact that we are very connected mentally and emotionally to each other. Now, my question has been for a long time- what does one do when they are not ready to be engaged, but are not single and not "on the market", so to speak? Is there anything, any cultural significance to this intermediary stage between dating and marriage? I know for sure that I'm in a committed relationship, just not ready to be engaged for marriage. How do I advertise this to other people? Is there a way? I have a feeling there isn't, but that's not a reason to forget about it. My solution right now is to wear a ring on my left hand. I've been doing it for years, since before I even met my boyfriend, as jewelry is one of my favourite things in the world. I've even been known to wear, goddess help me, engagement-style rings on my left hand despite not being engaged. Perhaps this is wrong of me, but I love him and I don't want to advertise that I might be single. Thus an interesting solution presented itself. I could wear an engagement like ring out in public, have people think I was engaged, but I wouldn't actually be engaged. And yes, my logic is just spectacular at these moments, I'm sure you're thinking that right now.
I suppose I should just come out and say that my reasons for sending this information out into the universe is a bit two-sided; yes, I want to get this off my chest, but on the other hand I also want validation to my actions. I'm just not sure what to do with my feelings. Right now I deeply feel that I am undeniably connected to my boyfriend, so much so that I feel I am engaged to him. There is that deep connection on so many levels that makes our relationship beyond the 'committed but still just dating' dynamic. But we're not in a position to be married yet. I have no idea what to do about these feelings, but hopefully I can somehow figure out how to deal with them one day. Maybe when I actually get engaged.
Yeah, I'm a silly girl sometimes. Whatever.

Major Arcana: The Magician

One of my favourite cards in the Tarot trumps is certainly the Magician. To me, this card is one I have always taken as signifying that one is in control of their destiny. They know exactly how they can attain their goals, using the tools the universe provided to them in this life. That sounds like a big job, yes, but you'd be very surprised how little external tools it takes to be successful compared with the gifts and talents you have right within yourself.
As much as I like and appreciate this card being called 'The Magician' amongst the English Tarot decks, when I actually think about the significance of this card as an archetype I tend to go more with the French title, 'Le Bateleur'. Translated literally, this gives the card the more mundane name of 'The Street Performer', as opposed to the more grandiose and macabre 'Magician'. Over the years of using and learning to read the tarot, I have often supposed the true intent of the card's archetypal name would be something like 'The Street Magician'- incorporating the image of an ordinary person doing extraordinary things, which to me, makes much more sense in the grand scheme of things. Don't we all wish we could be extraordinary? Have we not watched someone performing so-called "magic-tricks" and felt both awed and perhaps slightly envious of their talent? Maybe so, or maybe not. Regardless, a street performer of 'magic' is, as we know, not performing magic at all. At least magic in the metaphysical sense (I could elaborate on that statement quite lengthily, but that really is another post entirely of its own). The street performers 'magic' is in his tools, yes; they are specially made for that purpose. But give the spectators the same tools and see if they can work the same routines- the same 'magic'. It will never work. This is the essence of the Magician. A Magician is his tools of trade and his internal knowledge and talents. As you can see, it's more David Copperfield than Merlin. Each and every one of us could perhaps learn to be David Copperfield; not all of us can be Merlin. That's not to say that a Copperfield could never become a Merlin. The difference to me is the ability to use and control the material tools you possess versus the ability to control the cosmic elements and the ether around you. One is of external control and the other a more internal control. Pulling a rabbit out of a hat is true talent; using your own personal energy to manifest positive forces in your life is true magic.
To sum it all up- we all need to learn and teach ourselves how to be the best we can be in life with what we have been given as people, as unique and powerful human beings. The first step in the mastery of life is learning to be the street performer, but the ultimate test of life is learning how to be the magician.