Normally I wouldn't post about this kind of thing, as I'm more private when it comes to my love-life, but I've been so lost in thought lately on this subject I felt a good purge was in order today.
Perhaps others out there have been in this situation, but lately I feel as if I alone carry this sort of 'burden'. I guess you could call it that, maybe. Anyways, the crux of it is that I've been in a relationship with the same man for 8 years. I love him to death and we both know that we will end up together eventually. At this point in our lives we don't know exactly when, but we know it will be sometime in the future. That being said, despite knowing we will be together forever, we are not in a position to be engaged to one another. We are living in different countries at the moment, have very different family issues going on (this is more my side than his), and we are busy putting out lives together so that we can eventually move in with one another, somewhere in the world, at some point. So yes, there is a lot of physical disconnect despite the fact that we are very connected mentally and emotionally to each other. Now, my question has been for a long time- what does one do when they are not ready to be engaged, but are not single and not "on the market", so to speak? Is there anything, any cultural significance to this intermediary stage between dating and marriage? I know for sure that I'm in a committed relationship, just not ready to be engaged for marriage. How do I advertise this to other people? Is there a way? I have a feeling there isn't, but that's not a reason to forget about it. My solution right now is to wear a ring on my left hand. I've been doing it for years, since before I even met my boyfriend, as jewelry is one of my favourite things in the world. I've even been known to wear, goddess help me, engagement-style rings on my left hand despite not being engaged. Perhaps this is wrong of me, but I love him and I don't want to advertise that I might be single. Thus an interesting solution presented itself. I could wear an engagement like ring out in public, have people think I was engaged, but I wouldn't actually be engaged. And yes, my logic is just spectacular at these moments, I'm sure you're thinking that right now.
I suppose I should just come out and say that my reasons for sending this information out into the universe is a bit two-sided; yes, I want to get this off my chest, but on the other hand I also want validation to my actions. I'm just not sure what to do with my feelings. Right now I deeply feel that I am undeniably connected to my boyfriend, so much so that I feel I am engaged to him. There is that deep connection on so many levels that makes our relationship beyond the 'committed but still just dating' dynamic. But we're not in a position to be married yet. I have no idea what to do about these feelings, but hopefully I can somehow figure out how to deal with them one day. Maybe when I actually get engaged.
Yeah, I'm a silly girl sometimes. Whatever.
I have to agree with the previous comment. Engagement does not inherently require action - it's more a symbol of commitment. If you both agree and feel in your hearts you WILL end up together, just not sure when marriage will be viable, then there is no problem with getting engaged. I have heard of people being engaged for 5,6, 7 years. It's the commitment not the action- that part is the marriage! Sometimes life just doesn't cooperate with the "average" time frame for things. Just like religion - sometimes you have to do what works for you and not feel the pressure to do things the way everyone else does. Just the same - you can perfectly well choose to stay in the 'dating' stage if you want. Regardless of a ring - the fact you have someone should still be worthy of respect from others that you are not 'on the market'.
ReplyDeleteIt comes down to where you two feel like you are.