An Eventful Month

It's late at night and I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open, but I thought I would post on last time before September for my BLOGUST challenge. Overall, I think I did a decent job in being active on my blog this month. There weren't a ton of posts, but I managed more than one, which is an achievement in my mind. 

Perhaps my posts were not as Pagan-centric as I would have liked, so that is going to be something that I am keeping in consideration for my posts in September. My spiritual leanings tend to flourish in the cold, windy nights of fall. Heat and sun was never my forte, to say the very least. 

Life-wise, it seems I've partially managed to improve myself. After a few job interviews I have proven myself worthy of a position, so I am following that to fruition. There are still more interviews to come, but in the meantime I've accepted something new that I hope I will like if the other prospects do not pan out. Decisions of this nature are never easy, and this time I want to be sure I'm making the best choices for myself. 

I cannot wait to see what autumn has in store for me. The leaves are a' changing, and so am I. 

Fortitude

For the last few weeks now my day-to-day life has just seemed to blend together. I would wake up early after a very late to a mish-mash of crazy routines until finally the day came to an end, only to start all over again the next day. This has continuously been the last few months of my life. Blah.

Agonizing through the days, I looked to my friend, the Tarot, for guidance. I was hoping for something, anything, to be a glimmer of insight into what was to come. Being tired, I did a single card draw of course. So tired. Perhaps my mental state and energy played into this, but the card I drew was the 9 of Wands. Not the most likely card, but right away I saw myself in that situation. As if I was looking at myself, I saw the tense, restless feeling of trying so hard to hang on to what is left and preserve strength. Fortitude is the word that best describes this time in my life and what I am trying to do with my current job, so I saw this as related to my work, not necessarily my personal life. Work has been very arduous in the last few months. To be honest, I'm only supposed to be a part-timer and I've been working to manager an entire store since the end of May, and juggling online courses as well. Sleep hasn't exactly been plentiful or restful, to say the least.

So here I am- literally trying to keep things afloat and continue to create abundance in my work for the last several months with minimal help from outside sources and no support from the higher-ups. Difficult and dejected, I've been riddled with self-doubt over moving forward and being promoted. Turns out I won't be getting that promotion, and while I'm sad about it, it's also a relief. I can finally let go of what I've been putting up with for so long and look to broaden my horizons, I just need to hear the okay to take what has been given to me and put it down to rest.

The hard work has paid off, but the price was steep at times. Soon I can leave it behind and use what I've gathered to build on for a better future. I just have to hold my ground until then, and fight with what I have left to sustain me on my journey.

Procrastination

This is not so much a blog post as it is a public service announcement. I have a problem when it comes to doing work that I absolutely hate doing, namely the inability to do it. Right now, as I type this post, I probably should be typing out a paper that is due soon. Like almost now. I just don't want to. There is an intense compulsion to find anything else to do so I can put off doing this work until the very last minute.

So why am I being so nonchalant about this? Well, probably because I'm stuck in this vicious cycle. Each time, every time really, I psych myself into doing my work, get it done for the most part early on, and finally fizzle out before I can finish everything I need to complete. For some reason this never happens to me at work, only when it comes to school. Not being able to bring myself to write papers that I frankly couldn't care less about really drives me nuts and makes me depressed about this need for procrastinating. It hurts.

How do you suggest I break this cycle? Ultimately I can't find the right motivation to stop procrastinating when it counts. If you have any suggestions, my ears are listening.

Okay, time to do the work I can't stand. Finally. In an hour. After I watch one last video on YouTube. Cool.

Reminiscing of Angels

Timing is an interesting thing for me. I've always been a bit obsessed with time, sometimes to the point where I can't stop looking at the clock. I like watching the hands move further and further through the numbers of the minutes, hours, and seconds until I realize the moment I was waiting for already came and went. It's mesmerizing to me. 

While thinking about time, I had the date on my mind as well. Yesterday was the three year mark of my grandmother's passing. Usually I never like to think of how horrible that time was for me and my family, but now, so long after the fact, remembering the events surrounding that day don't leave me as hollow as once before. I know that she is gone, but nonetheless her memory and the impression of here is still here in my mind and my heart. Perhaps she is even looking out for me in some cosmic way. I had a good cry yesterday morning about her, looking at a picture I took of her only a month or so before she passed. I love that I was able to take that photo of her when she was so happy and still vibrant, but even now I have a hard time looking at it without sadness. To my surprise, a few hours later I received a call about a job I had applied for a few weeks ago, asking me to come in for an interview. Totally unexpected. 

Maybe she heard me and thought to give me a joyous moment? Never will I know, but I will certainly make sure to keep looking out for signs of her influence or presence. 

Love you, grandma xoxox

Full Corn Moon - August

Crickets out my window, the quiet of night radiant with the light of the moon- what a great sight to meet my weary eyes on such an evening. I've had a long day with the same trials and tribulations I've faced for the last few weeks. Where am I going, and what exactly to I need to give myself to get there? I can't even begin to answer these questions, but at least I can sit quietly, peacefully even, and look at the moon with awe and gratitude. The summer has been eventful in many good ways, even with the not so good looking a lot more positive in this blue moonlight. But what of it? Well, the things that I came to believe I understood changed into the things I now realize I didn't actually understand. I see that now. That lack of understanding on my part was not intentional, it was merely a formality of not having more life experience than I ought to at my age. Of course, life is never cut and dried like that. No, life has taught me more lessons in the last year about myself in a way I never saw before. The shy, introverted girl I was is no more a wallflower of sorts. I can hold my own like the rest of them now, but I still hold back at times. Why so? To be honest it's because I'm not quite 100% comfortable with it yet. Soon, hopefully. Time is healing a part of my character and inner-strength that I thought was permanently damaged not even a year ago. I'm not damaged, not by a long shot. The ability for me to be a strong-willed person was potentially there the whole time, if only I had been aware of how to look inside myself and bring it out into the open sooner. Sadly, life hands you lots of lemons before it lets you make the lemonade.

Like the corn in the fields, bathing in the moon tonight, I'm still growing and maturing into what I want to be. Although I'm not sure what I want to be, I know, deep down, that it's close to being realized. Good thoughts on a good night, for sure.

Prioritizing My Self

Every year the times seems to slip away a little faster on me, and I get more tired and prone to procrastinating. You might even say I'm a Grand Master of procrastination I do it so well. Too well, in fact. Recently I've felt the need to wean myself off of late nights and zombie mornings' after, so a remedy was called for- time management skills to the rescue (or not)!

Good old time management, the bane of procrastinators everywhere. Here's my chance to really get in gear and make sure I follow through instead of wallowing in preventing myself from getting anything done. Okay, step one, setting goals. Check. Making sure I keep things written down and on lists. Check. Get a planner! CHECK! And now you can get everything done and never procrastinate again! Check? No. There is never a simple solution to an old problem. At least I've made a commitment to working on it.

I want to make myself be more proactive when it comes to making sure I'm getting the most out of my time. Is it feasible, yes it is, in theory. The hardest part is the practical, like the first time you turn on the engine of a car and take your foot off the brake. You've seen it done thousands of times, yet when you do it for the first time it's as if the car is going to speed out of control and drag you away with it. Fun stuff, I'm sure.

So how am I going to fix this, you ask? I'm working on it. My ultimate goal is to ensure that I have enough time in my day to do three things of importance. (As a side note, work is not in these three things because it's not optional). Right. Number one on my list is having time set aside included for meditation. I used to meditate all the time! Not so much anymore. I tried doing a chakra balancing video a week ago for Lammas and fell asleep in my chair, sitting up. I was quite the sad sight at that moment. Since I stopped meditating I haven't been as carefree or as calm as I used to be most of the time. That is another blog post in itself, so I'll reserve talking about that later in my BLOGUST series.

Secondly, I would like to make time for reading. I read a lot, every day really. However I do not read anything I actually would enjoy reading. There is a pile of books I hauled off of back in February that I haven't even touched as I have no time to even skim through them. This saddens me greatly, ergo reading books in on my list of things I absolutely need to make time for. What good is having a load of witchy books if I can't even read the damn things? Sheesh.

Lastly, I want to make time to nurture my soul back to health. Since I came back home and got a job, started planning my career path, went back to school, I've lost some of the witch in me. It's there of course, buried underneath it all, sparkling through every so often when little things cross my path or I see a glimmer of the Craft in something. Like a little bird perched near my window looking in on me, or a look at the moon to see what phase its currently in and secretly wishing I could celebrate a little. Sigh. I'm going to make sure that I incorporate making time for my inner self a priority at the moment, which I'm glad to say is happening at this moment as I take some quiet time to write in my blog for the day. Tomorrow will be something new, something fun maybe, and I can keep on writing with myself in mind.

BLOGUST!

This new month has just begun, so I've taken up the challenge of making myself blog on a daily basis for the rest of the entire month. I'm not sure if all the posts will be Witchcraft, Paganism, or Wicca related, they might be about something that I've had on my mind for some time that I felt like writing about, Tarot readings and reflections, or it may be a review of a certain item I like or love (probably one of the numerous teas I collect), or even just a small quote or thought that popped into my head. The posts are not going to be specific length- just whatever I fancy at the time. My goal is to be consistent so that I can get into keeping my thoughts down for posterity again. I missed doing that. 

Keep checking in to make sure I'm posting like I should be!

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